Their women having been enslaved by the local pack of lesbian vampires thanks to an ancient curse, the remaining menfolk of a rural town send two hapless young lads out onto the moors as a sacrifice. Centuries ago, Baron Wolfgang MacLaren vanquished the Vampire Queen Carmilla in the remote Cragwich; however, before decapitating the evil vampire, she curses the locals and descendants of the baron, swearing that every woman would turn into a lesbian vampire on the eighteenth birthday. On the present days, the clumsy and naive cuckold Jimmy is dumped again by his girlfriend Judy and misses her. His best friend Fletch is fired in his job of clown after hitting an annoying boy. The two friends are broken and decide to camp in the countryside to forget their problems, and Jimmy throws a dart in a map in a pub to decide where they should go. They head to Cragwich and when they arrive in the bar Baron's Rest, they see four hot girls leaving the place in a Kombi. The innkeeper offers the old Mircalla cottage in the woods for them, the same place the girls will lodge. Meanwhile, Lotte, Heide, Anke and Trudi have trouble with their van and Jimmy and Fletch reach them in the forest and they offer a ride to the guys to the cottage. They introduce themselves as students of folklore and they are researching the Vampire Queen Carmilla. When Fletch believes that he will have a night of beer and sex with three sexy girls and Jimmy and Lotte have a crush on each other, the cottage is surrounded by a group of lesbian vampires that vampires intend to use Jimmy and Lotte's blood to bring Carmilla back to life. They are abducted by the vampires, but Fletch escapes and meets Reverend Vicar that tells him that Jimmy is a descendant of the baron and only hope to stop the evil curse of Cragwich. There are movies that you would rather suffer extreme torture than watch again. This is one of them. Granted, I never expected it to be an incisive commentary of female homosexuality in modern Britain, but nor was I expecting drivel on the level that makes Hammer's "Vampire Lovers" look like a) a faithful adaptation of LeFanu's source material and b) as good as "Lawrence of Arabia". I should also have taken heed when the narrator of the prologue uses profanity when describing the origin of the curse which apparently turns good normal straight girls into chiffon-clad man eating lesbian vampires who think being threatening consists of standing around posing and gesturing seductively. Not once did I consider them a credible threat, except to my sanity. <br/><br/>The level of of humour in the movie can be summed up by the fact they think that having a sword with a phallus for a hilt that channels the power of the tentacle-demon Dilido (?) is actually funny. It isn't. It's just cringe-worthy. Corden and Horne I didn't expect to know any better but Paul McGann should have steered well clear of this mess, since he is wasted in his small role as the vampire-hunting vicar. (He was actually better served in the 1996 "Doctor Who" TV movie.) Really, I watched this because of the title. It sounded like a cheesy B horror movie which is right up my alley. I wasn't expecting much from it, but it was certainly much better than expected.<br/><br/>Overall, I'd say the movie is in the vein of Shaun of the Dead, except with lesbian vampires instead of zombies. Given that premise, most people I tell about this movie look at me funny. OK fine. But, despite the whole idea of lesbian vampires, there is very little nudity (although plenty of scantily clad attractive ladies and a few bare breasts thrown in).<br/><br/>I was impressed with the characters, who although all seem to be complete unknowns did an impressive job. The camera work, dialog, settings and special effects were well above low budget horror standards. The movie was very funny with enough action to keep things going, and enough eye candy to make it fun without turning it into a soft core porn.<br/><br/>No, it's not high brow cinema, but it is FAR from the worst movies I've seen. Despite the title, it has a plot and a lot of very funny moments, and is very watchable.
Haralyamil replied
371 weeks ago